Guest Post: Late Night Worries

This week, I'm sharing a blog post from the gorgeous Gemma, a very good friend of mine and mum to a little boy, Alex. At the time of writing, she was waiting to give birth to her daughter Phoebe (who I am very pleased to say has arrived safe and sound since!).

Newborn baby

I’ve been trying to get sleep since 10pm tonight.. futile.

I’m having a section on Thursday to get this little lady here .. I’m super excited to see her but I’m guessing my no sleep is down to the fact that I'm nervous too.

I have no words - well I do but I can’t express them in the right way. I’ll try though!

I miss my boy. I’m seeing him tomorrow, well today, and I can’t wait.

I want my daughter here safe and sound but I don’t want to have to deal with my emotions that go with this. I need a cry... breakdown... I don't know... maybe just some sleep would do!!!

How do you sleep when your world’s about to change?

How do you switch that part of you off? I used to be very good at that. Switching off my emotions was easy. Now, not so much. I have to feel this, I know that, but to sound like a petulant child - I don’t want to!!

I am laying here and I thought listening to music might help... and it does. I really start to relate to certain voices and sounds. Tonight, Jess Glynne got me.

These lyrics really speak to me at the moment - the feelings of conflict in my brain; being happy and sad all at the same time!

Dark nights, the silence eats me up
But day comes and everything’s enough
I’m free but I’m fragile
I’m happy but I’m worried
I’m set up but I’m so afraid
I get pins and needles
When I think about it
It catches me everyday
I’ve got scars on my soul that I’m scared to show
I cried in the morning but you’d never know
I should let it be
It’s just my insecurities
I should let it be
It’s just my insecurities

 

To me these words sit with me and help me process that you can feel both emotions all at once. It’s not a bad thing because there are two sides to everything. I honestly thought that when the time came to have Phebs I would be ready. I would be a strong woman/mother turns out I’m not in the slightest. I don’t think I ever will be.

But I tell you what – I will be the best mother she needs. Nothing will stop me; I will feel every emotion and go through ever single fear if it means I get my daughter. My future bestie, my son’s future voice of reason and my partner's apple of his eye! She will be all these things and more because I will give her that chance to be these and more. She is already amazing and, to me, perfect in every way.

Even just writing this post has calmed me and tamed the beast that is worry.

Ah I love my kids so much, please something, somewhere give me the strength to be strong and wise!

It’s 2am... maybe just some sleep will make my world a little clearer?

 

Follow Gemma's story of finding out her precious baby daughter has a heart defect and how she has coped throughout the pregnancy HERE. You can follow her on Instagram too. 



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